Captivating.... it's the title to the book I'm reading. This book is opening my mind and touching my heart. I am realizing I need to take care of myself and the things I desire and long for are important.
I have been made with survival techniques. I don't want to appear to be a weak and mushy person. So I become tough, I take on the attitude "Fine. If that's how it is, then that's hot it is. I'll live my life in the following way..." this is just a cover "a survival technique" and causes more problems by not dealing with the issues.
I realize I need to learn how to express my thoughts and feelings even when it might mean confrontation or not please another person.
When a woman becomes a wife she desires to please her husband and focuses her choices to accomplish this. Then when motherhood comes along she gives her life to her children and it is a beautiful thing. Somewhere in that process of focusing on being a great mom and wife I lost myself. I spent so much of my energy trying to please everyone and suppress my desires (because how could they ever come true) that I drained my self. I became too tired to continue on.
I needed time alone to realize what I needed to feel right again.
What are the things in life that I love?
What do I desire?
What makes me smile?
Is it too selfish to think of my desires? It feels a bit strange to contemplate what are the things I want in life. Maybe not just strange but a bit scary. What if I allow my self to long for things where I will have to depend on another individual to fulfill and they don't deliver?
Is that not just setting yourself up for disappointment?
I am full of questions these days and I think I am making progress as I spend time asking God for answers and listening and reading.
I will be strong and not doubt myself. I can make my own decisions because I am a wise person. God has purposefully made me the way I am and He has given me my desires and longings. I should not feel guilty to pursue them.
Yes my goal is a restful and quiet spirit.
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